I rise this morning thinking of warriors. Women warriors. Male warriors. Non-binary warriors. I know many of them. I rise this morning looking for inspiration from warriors. I need to make peace.

I don't speak often of the word Warrior, worried I’ll be misunderstood or rejected for being too ________ .

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Most of the representations of warriors I’ve encountered in film/television media have been embroiled in extreme violence and lots of blood. Years ago, I watched Spartacus, a show which used over 300 gallons of fake blood per episode, (Kill Bill spilled over 450 gallons of tinted corn syrup. On Stranger Things, Eleven, played by Millie Bobby Brown, “bleeds” whenever she uses her special powers.)

I watched Spartacus through a triangle space between my third and fourth fingers. Among many male warriors, three women warriors with on-screen lives battle for survival in Spartacus: Laeta (Anna Hutchison), Saxa (Ellen Hollman), and Naevia (Cynthia Addai-Robinson). Addai-Robinson said of the show’s popularity, "The show is known for the sex and violence but what keeps viewers coming back are the relationships and the love between the characters."

This viewer did not watch the show for the relationships or the love between the characters. This viewer watched three seasons for the physical embodiment of warrior, for an experience of facing what I did not want to believe was true- all the violence, all the justified killing, all the ways we kill each other’s culture. I’ve also watched Game of Thrones and Vikings– often with my hands blocking out sound and/or image. These shows represent the stories of some of my ancestors. I am part them.

Splatter horror is part-art and part-craft. Create a visceral reaction in the audience and you allow them to experience horror from an emotionally secure view. Interesting research– in countries with higher GDP, the consumption of horror movies is higher. Perceived resource scarcity, the study’s authors conclude, lowers the sense of control viewers experience, leading to lower consumption in horror as a genre. From my emotionally secure view, I experienced the violence as separate from me, but I still felt it in my body. I still needed to shield myself at times, comfort myself at others. Rarely did I feel joy in anyone’s victory.

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I’m confused by the word warrior. Etymology online (a resource I often access) says the word warrior comes from the French: c. 1300, from Old North French werreier (Old French guerroieor) "a warrior, soldier, combatant, one who wages war," from werreier "wage war," from werre (see war (n.)).

A little over 100 years after the word warrior came into use, Joan of Arc, a national heroine of France, led the French army in victory at Orléans in 1429– defeating the English’s attempt to conquer France during the Hundred Years' War. Joan of Arc was a peasant girl who believed she acted under divine guidance.

What choices did the “Spartacus” women have in 73 BC to 71 BC? What choices did Joan of Arc have in 1400? How has our language been shaped by the events of our lives? How does our language shape the current events of our lives?

Could being a warrior (female/male/non-binary) mean something different than “one who wages war” like the portrayals I’ve seen on the screen? How do other cultures define warrior?

Warrior, from the Tibetan word Pawo, literally means one who is brave.

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Compassion, "feeling of sorrow or deep tenderness for one who is suffering or experiencing misfortune," mid-14c., compassioun, literally "a suffering with another," from Old French compassion "sympathy, pity" (12c.), from Late Latin compassionem(nominative compassio) "sympathy,"

The Tibetan term for compassion is nying je, which the Dalai Lama states, "connotes love, affection, kindness, gentleness, generosity of spirit and warm-heartedness." People with these traits want to help others who suffer.

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What if warrior and compassion were coupled in a female/male/non-binary being?

All morning I’ve been contemplating this notion.

I experienced a period of anger last night which had my body electrified with a pushing-away kind of energy and my mind racing for a couple of hours. The anger felt powerful. Strong. Piercing. My words did not feel kind or generous or gentle in my body. The reaction of the recipient of my anger, “Why are you being so mean?”

The story I told myself: I was angry at an obstacle in my path-to-being-good and being-seen-as-good. The person I directed my anger towards, and my sincerest apology soon after my outburst, showed up with a compassionate response of love. I felt shame afterwards, and guilt. And gratitude. And forgiveness. I had temporarily lost my ability to discern the appropriate response to my anger.

We beings are capable of so much. Our bravery and our compassion can help define what we do and how we live.

Much real blood is being shed at this moment. Many warriors are in action at this time. Some are blindly waging war, others are facing the truth of oppression/domination/violence with discernment, bravery and compassion.

I’m still at the beginning of this path of understanding. I am not an authority in any way. I’m a questioner. This is my questioning. This is my call out to you, dear reader. I’m interested in listening to your warrior stories and questions. How do you come to be a warrior? What is your physical experience of warriorship?

Many of my ancestors were fighters; French, English, Irish, Viking. They waged war for what they wanted. Some viewed other persons as disposable obstacles to their want. The shame and guilt they also experienced may have created a code of silence. Others viewed other persons as part of a necessary whole to make peace among all beings.

And what do we do now, I wonder, with the way the world is, with the world my ancestors left us, with the world my grandchildren will inherit?

In my first family, we let pain remain unheard, we actively resisted facing painful events and truths. So much shame. Our concealed suffering erupted eventually, like an earthquake, separating some of us from the others.

How does a warrior face suffering with bravery? This is my question today.