So much danger to living.

Yesterday, on a phone call with friends, I felt a surge of wanting to protect myself from danger. Protect myself on a zoom call?

I tried to contribute funny bits, self-deprecating humour about my awful hair in the 80’s- how hard I tried to make it big with hairspray and a curling iron! How ashamed I was, for years, to look at the photos. I still don’t know how I can laugh at the 1984 version of me, so lonely on the inside, so desperate for love on the outside, but also prickly. I suppose it describes many humans at one point in their lives. Recovering from hurt.

My hurt is really old, embarrassingly old. I’ve carried it for so long, even though I ran away from the vivid reminders of it when I was a child. I’ve tried to forget it. I’ve tried to ignore it. I need to forgive.

Forgiving is hard. It’s painful. To forgive, I’ve found, means feeling all the painful emotions and relaxing with them. Over and over. Anger, especially is challenging for me. One time the process between feeling my emotions and relaxing/letting go lasted for months. On and off, the emotions would spike and fall. My partner was afraid to talk to me sometimes, afraid he’d set off my anger. My anger would rocket up and explode in sharp words, slammed doors, heavy footsteps, walking away and walking away and walking away.

“Every emotion is workable.” Pema Chödrön’s voice resonates in my thoughts.

The only reality is the action we take, I’ve heard this.

You can have and be anything you want, I’ve heard this.

I’ve made a vow to be gentle, decent, and brave. I have to work with my emotions to honour my vow.

On the phone call with my friends yesterday, I spoke little. A buffer exists with three friends– it’s not on just one of us to speak. Fear can be debilitating, I said at one point. I’ve felt a whole lot of fear. It’s been a limiting factor in my relationships.

I really caused a commotion once when we met up in person. My life took a turn and I was in the spotlight among the three of us. I was so high on life, I didn’t pay attention to anyone else. The contrast between the before and after this amazing turn of events felt like the most massive surprise birthday party- like flying in a murmuration of love. And my friend was overwhelmed by the show of it all, the way I talked, the way I floated when I walked. She had something to say. I listened. I fell hard.

Here, in my office/guest bedroom, I strive to be honest. What kind of friend am I? I ruminate on the protective feelings, the jealousy I noticed. What kind of friend do I want to be?

Soon, my thoughts turn to a family member. I see her face. I hear her laugh. Where did she come from? I feel love. sadness. grief. and, yes, jealousy.

Then, my thoughts turn back to my friend, the friend who I harmed with all my big, showy, joy.

And…I make the connection between an old family, first family situation and the current situation with my friend.

Now, jealousy, blame/anger, grief storm inside me.

I have to do something about this!

I walked the dog early this morning, on the first cold, blowing snow day I’ve experienced this year. Snow hit my face like tiny icicles. I ran through the park with the dog, only a few laps and we both ran home.

Now, writing about the dangers of living, I want to go back out in nature.

Wait!! I wonder if nature has been my refuge for so long, I’ve avoided the deeper connection work with other people. Rather than swirling into the possible ways I am so flawed no one can truly love me and if they say they are they must be lying, I sit.

I will experience my emotions today: jealousy, blame/anger, grief. I’ll feel them in the body. I’ll gain some clarity. Then, I’ll know, better, what action to take. What gently, decent, and brave action to take.

This is the warrior vow I’ve taken. I’ll let you know how it goes.