Why is that?

If I went to my mother’s therapist he’d tell me I am always trying to be the good girl. And the good girl is giving, thoughtful, and always a good listener. And I do try to be the good girl, but it’s hard, you know. When Jillian and I are alone for a couple of hours, I confess it all- everything I’m afraid of and all the things that drive me crazy. I would never walk around telling everyone what I really think- no one would like me.

I’ve been thinking about Calixa. She didn’t pretend anything so that I would be her friend. It’s a bit freaked to think a cupcake is a box of poo, but she was herself. Is that complexity bad or good? Or is it neither.

My head hurts from life complex.

I want Mr. Extraordinary, but it appears he’s absorbed in his own life.

I don’t want Mr. Nearly Extraordinary, but because I dated him once he’s like a wart on my foot- he makes me ugly and I can’t burn him off easily.

If I could just have what I want, I would be happy. I can see you smiling. You know the truth that starts my headaches, don’t you? Getting what you want isn’t the answer, it’s accepting what you get and finding some kind of happiness in it.

Argghhh. I need sweetness. Not a lot, though. I require an amount small enough for a little luxury, but not too big that I’m feeling like I need to run 30 sets of stairs.

And here’s the answer: From Bite-size desserts by Carole Bloom. I know it’s technically not cake, but it’s chocolate and it’s creamy and delightful. I can guarantee comfort and self-love with the smallest of portions.

Toasted Coconut-Chocolate Pudding

Ingredients:

• 1/3 cup plus 1 Tablespoon sweetened shredded coconut
• 3 ounces bittersweet chocolate, (62% to 72% cacao), finely chopped
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 Tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
• 1 Tablespoon plus 1 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch, sifted
• pinch of salt
• 2 large egg yolks, at room temperature.
• 1 1/4 cup milk, divided into 1 cup and 1/4 cup
• 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream, divided into 1/2 cup and 1/4 cup
• 1 Tablespoon unsalted butter, softened
• 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

To Do:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put the eight ramekins (2 1/2 by 1 1/2 inch round) or you can use one two-quart dish or even martini glasses since you won’t be cooking the pudding in the oven. The oven is only used to toast the coconut.

1. Toast the coconut in a cake or pie pan for 3 minutes. Stir and toast 3 more minutes, until light golden.
2. Remove from oven and cool. Reserve 1 Tablespoon for garnish.
3. Melt the chopped chocolate in a double boiler over hot water or in a microwave-safe bowl on the lowest power, 30 seconds at a time.
4. Whisk together the sugar, cocoa powder, cornstarch and salt in a 2 quart mixing bowl until well combined.
5. In a small bowl, beat the egg yolks with a fork and add in 1/4 cup of the milk. Add to the cocoa mixture and whisk until smooth.
6. Bring the remaining 1 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of cream to boil over medium heat.
7. Remove the pan from the burner and slowly add it to the cocoa mixture, whisking until smooth. (You’re trying to incorporate the egg yolks here without cooking them into scrambled eggs with chocolate pudding.)
8. Pour the whole mixture back into the saucepan and stir constantly over medium heat until the pudding thickens.
9. Remove the saucepan from the heat and stir in the butter until melted. Add the vanilla and melted chocolate and stir until blended. Stir in all but the extra 1 Tablespoon of toasted coconut.
10. Divide the pudding evenly among the ramekins, cover loosely and cool to room temperature. Tightly cover with plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator, about 2 hours. Confession- I have eaten these before they chilled. Still fabulous!

Garnish: whip the rest of the cream. Add a dollop of cream and a sprinkle of toasted coconut.